Instead of adding insult to injury, I’ve been learning to subtract. Three weeks ago I broke my collarbone in the middle of the night on Day 2 of a long-anticipated tropical vacation with my husband. I slid on some slippery Mexican tile and catapulted down three steps to land on my collar bone. At three a.m. on a Sunday morning. The story of How I Spent My Vacation starts with that event, with riding a ferry from the island to a hospital and harnessing myself into a splint for the next two weeks.

And it goes on from there. So much for the plan to kayak. Bike. Hike. All gone.

Much of the trip I experienced a low level of pain. My patient husband had signed up to assist me in the night as I tried to find comfort. I was pretty convinced that this injury was a big problem. On many levels this was true. In its disappointment, my mind rehearsed all the reasons this was true.

Again and again.

But what I noticed was this: every time I argued with the reality of the broken bone, I experienced the Injury PLUS the Insult.

“I was clumsy.”

“I wrecked the vacation.”

“My body is a wreck.”

“I never get a break.” (Seriously. No pun intended. That was one of my theme songs.)

At some point I got so tired of this recurring belief that I started laughing (without jolting the upper body).

I was getting a break.

All around me was sun, ocean, warm weather, a wealth of ancient history. There were chairs to sit on that allowed me to recline.

Beds and pillows where I needed to be prone.

Nothing to do but heal. Take a break. Relax.

Without the insults, I could handle the injury. In fact, there were some advantages. When I let myself off the hook.

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Jan. 5th (or 6th) is my favorite holiday. For years I thought I had it all to myself. Having already failed at whatever New Year’s Resolutions I had thrown at the dartboard, I would try again to envision my next year after the decorations were put away and the rich holiday foods were consumed or thrown away.

When I was raising a family, this would hit after the kids were back in school and we were once again held by familiar routines. I discovered that arranging some time for myself and myself alone on this day was the last and best day of the holiday. It was like my own personal clean-up, my revisioning time.

Later I was giddy to learn that there was a date on the liturgical calendar called “Epiphany,” and that it coincided with my private holiday.

Epiphany is also known as Three Kings Day throughout Latin America, and it’s a family day, a day that gifts are given to children, honoring the gifts the Wise Men brought to the manger. It’s also traditionally considered the last day of Christmas.

An Epiphany is also, of course, an “aha” moment. Like the one I was having when I discovered I was sharing my personal holiday with half the hemisphere.

For me, the image of wise people following a star to the birth of a baby, to the birth of hope and possibility, made my private holiday even better. And better yet that others were celebrating on this very day. As long as I didn’t have to cook, decorate, or make the party happen.

Hunkered down with tea and a journal, I could reflect on my past year. This was something I’d never had a chance to do during the New Year’s hubbub, no matter how much I intended to prepare for New Year’s resolutions. I took long walks in silence, if I could. I got a massage, if I could afford it. Did a yoga class. All of it in near silence.

What I discovered I’m sharing with you now: “Aha” moments can double or even triple when you celebrate Epiphany or dedicate some time to solitude. Even if you think you’ve missed the window for New Year’s Resolutions, if you’ve already broken every one you half-heartedly made. Take some time now… or soon… to clear your busy mind.

Give yourself a break. Breathe. Eat nourishing food. Lightly and slowly. If you feel like napping, do it. Take some time in nature, if possible.

What do you love to do? Let your hand write it down. Make room for one of these every day. See what Aha’s arise.

If you like lists, a list of what you “should” do this year. If it doesn’t ring your chimes, drop it. Or make it fun. Instead of “lose ten pounds,” make a list of high-nutrition whole foods (especially soups) you love and can prepare ahead of time. Put a little piece of scotch tape on your snack shelf to make you more mindful of your choice to eat. Call it good and move on.

Your own private Epiphany can happen any time by design. Free yourself to set up a personal getaway whenever you can. If you need to go away for a 24-hour reboot, do it. The secret sauce is some silence. Some solitude (even if you share it with a friend, listening and quiet time is essential

Listen for the Aha’s that arise.

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Dipping Deeply Into the New Year

January 3, 2012 Coming Home
Honey dripping from a dipper

It’s pretty darned hard to miss the flashing ads and headlines that remind me, and all of us, that this is the time for resolve, discipline, will power. My own natural desire to get more in touch with my healthy body through diet and exercise at this time of year always finds plenty of support from the culture around me. I don’t mind riding that wave. But anybody at my gym will tell you that the new spurt of activity lasts about six weeks.

What makes it stick is when I dip deeply to discover what’s been in the way of change. I’ve discovered for myself that any resolutions for the new year just don’t take unless I spend some time thinking about where I’ve been, getting my bearings for what’s ahead.

Because the unquestioned past seems to have a way of becoming in the future.

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Putting Yourself on Your List

December 13, 2011 Questioning the Mind
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In this chilly and bustling time, where do you freeze yourself out of your own heart? Maybe you check the holiday list and check it twice, without even noticing that your name never happens to appear. Your Inner Santa doesn’t see you, even if you’ve been nice rather than naughty. And so you leap through the holidays and to the end of the year without ever bringing yourself along.

Despite the exhilaration of the season, there’s often something inside that just longs to be heard, to be seen. It can be naughty by overeating or overdrinking to get your attention. Or it can have a meltdown or get sick. Then maybe you’ll stop and appreciate it. Instead, it usually waits quietly to get noticed.

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Not Forgetting

July 28, 2011 Getting Unstuck

This poem has been on the marquee in my town for a long time. A wonderful mantra. I’m so glad it’s there. Because it’s so easy to forget. Remembering. That’s the trick.

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Building a Kinder World

July 26, 2011 Getting Unstuck
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There’s a line in the recent Sherlock Holmes movie that grabbed my attention.

“Give me some evidence, Holmes. With a little mud I can build bricks and from there I can build a case.”

I’m struck by how often we use the evidence we have to wall us into a world view that isn’t kind to us or the people around us. Someone cuts us off in traffic and we take it personally. Our kids are acting out. Proof we’re a bad parent. And so it can go, if we believe our case that we’re failing or not measuring up, somehow.

What I’ve been discovering as I work with my own mind and assist others in inquiry is that there’s another choice.

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Hitting Refresh

June 6, 2011 Coming Home

Have you ever wished you’d come equipped with an Auto Refresh button? If I had one, I’d use it today. Where was I before the weekend? Oh, right. There. A place to start on Monday morning. A place to Begin Within. This is the time of year when Things come up. Things to prepare for. Things to complete. Friends and family, too. Their things. All of those things we call life with others, life of community.

I’m one of those people who needs to stop and listen to my own directions before I can go into the world and do my thing.

Simply dropping in to a deeper level of connection with my own needs, wants, and inner promptings can be….well, a little more difficult than hitting Reset. There are days I’d give anything for a little curvy upward arrow that I could click and magically reset my screen, putting me back in the loop of my own deeper thinking/knowing.

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Shifting the Lens

May 17, 2011 Getting Unstuck

There’s a color commentator in my head who spins me this way and that with a play-by-play of how I’m operating in the world. I call her Ethel. Ethel touts all the stats she remembers from the past and predicts the future.

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Baja: A Whale’s Eye View

March 28, 2011 Creating Community
Whale's Eye

I just arrived home from a pilgrimage to the birthing lagoon of the gray whale in Baja. I had heard rumors about mother whales there who introduce their calves to humans, much as we take our offspring to meet other species. This image had lived in my imagination for several years, increasing its ranking in my bucket list. But my watery imaginings didn’t begin to match the experience of being in their presence—the power of a whale’s eye view.

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“Exploding Head” Remedy

March 2, 2011 Confusion to Clarity

Last week I co-hosted a cross cultural dialogue with Balinese visiting San Francisco. The focus was on Tri Hita Karuna, the ancient principle of balancing relationships with community, spirit, and nature. When I asked a beautiful Balinese singer to share. she said,

“All this talking and talking makes our heads explode.”

Then she led a long, lovely chant. A sense of connection with each other, with the world, with spirit, saturated the room. We were singing our world back in balance.

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Truth Serum

February 18, 2011 Inquiry

Some moments, even some entire days, I can catch myself in the judgements and lies that keep me from the truth. There’s such grace in that kind of clarity, that kind of peace. That is, when I can catch the lies.

And then there are the other days. The days I actually believe that “they’re” at fault. By “they” I mean anybody (or anything) out there that I can judge or blame. Like my dog for barking too much, my husband for not shutting the door, the weather for not being warmer or drier. Not to mention the theme songs I play in my own brain. Number one right now is There’s something wrong, and it’s because I’m not enough or there’s not enough.

These are the days I need a truth serum. Or some loving but stern Zen master to rap me up the side of the head. One question can usually do that: really? Is it true? When I’m aware enough of that feeling of shrinking inside, the way I’m living from a small self, that’s usually enough to bring me back.

Sometimes Truth shows up in harsher ways: the illness or death of a loved one can take me right there. To an opening of the heart big enough to embrace and allow the beauty around me to teach me to heal. What a shame that this is what it would take.

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The Space Inside Stuckness

January 31, 2011 Coming Home
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Sometimes I find myself slipping into an old robotic pattern, a certain contracted stuckness. This trance-like state of being shows up in different ways: reading late into the night and awakening tired, heading to the snack cupboard instead of going on a walk. Leaving a little late for an appointment and then rushing to get there, forgetting my goal of staying present in my life. As if this added drama gives me a life of purpose. I slip into a way of moving through my life as if I’m wearing blinders. There’s very little space for different choices. After all, that would upset the robot with blinders.

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Help Me to Believe the Truth about Myself, No Matter How Beautiful It Is

January 21, 2011 Aging with Grace
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This is the prayer we used to close my woman’s circle for the past 11 years. I had learned from the Sufis, but it was written by Marina Widerhehr. Last week was the group’s last circle. We shared “popcorn shapshots,” images of the precious and not-so-precious moments that have united us: the weddings, funerals, illnesses. The laughter and tears.

Since then I’ve noticed my own popcorn images: photos of me in the full bloom of my twenties and thirties. In the radiance of my forties and fifties. I noticed that only when I look at the snapshots from this distance am I able to see the beauty that I was. When I was younger my mind was way to full of the mosquito beliefs brought to me by my inner spin doctor. You’re too fat. Your eyes are too close together. Teeth too big. In a nutshell, There’s something wrong with me.

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Reflections after a Dead Puppy Christmas

January 9, 2011 Coming Home

Every year at this time I ask myself the question. “Now where was I?” It’s as if I left “my life” for somebody else’s. Which just might be true, at one level. Always the holidays are full to overflowing with the unexpected. This year my daughter brought home puppies from a rescue mission that had gone awry and we set up an emergency vet clinic here, where we nursed and held half-pound infants, trying desperately to save them from the ravages of Parvo. Only one of 15 made it, and it was happily delivered on Christmas eve. In the middle of all this sadness, carols, games with friends, and the Beatles on Wii were islands of laughter.

Which brings up the big savior: dark humor. I’ve lived long enough to keep in mind the story in family history WHILE going through the tough stuff. This will be the Christmas of the Dead Puppies, and we will laugh. Soon.

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Traction

December 2, 2010 Getting Unstuck
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I just arrived home from a trip Over the River and Through the Woods to a mountain cabin. The way there was a bit treacherous, but once there the scene was a holiday card in 3D. Heaps of soft snow and stillness. Fine powder drifting aimlessly through the starry night sky. A wood stove to feed and long nights of dreaming.

A much-needed respite from my usual busy life (and mind to match).

On the way back we came face to face with a snow plow and needed to move over perilously close to a ditch. Our wheels began to spin as we struggled to get traction once again.

The very thing that had cleared our way nudged us into a little stuck place.

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“The Sun in Drag” on a Rainy Day

November 12, 2010 Lessons of the Seasons

As the rains set in here those of us who live in the Willamette valley know that we’re in for a long haul of (mostly) soggy weather. Unless I forget what I love about it, I begin to fight with this reality. For some time I’ve kept a list to remind me of the subtle beauties of the coming season. A partial list: subtle mists on the hills, rhythms on my roof, quiet time to dream, cozy evenings tucked in warm flannel.

When I forget these “favorite things,” there’s always poetry. One of my favorites for the season is from Hafiz, a 14th Century Persian poet. He reminds me of the source of sun, lest I forget. We’re all just the sun in drag.

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Tolerating Peace

November 2, 2010 Getting Unstuck

I’m learning to tolerate peace. I’m shocked as I see myself writing that, which takes me right out of peace. You see, my identity is so wrapped up in being a Peacemaker that it’s a Giant Step to admit that peace very often in my inner life has often been missing.

I’ve been a Peacenik my entire adult life. My credentials are impeccable. I became an anti-war activist when I discovered the realities of the Vietnam war. I organized an anti-nuke installation using little tree-farming cones to demonstrate insane levels of nuclear warheads in the early 80′s.

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My Life as a Sea Anemone

September 30, 2010 Confusion to Clarity
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Sea anemones are among my favorite sea creatures. Fortunately Disney’s crew didn’t make them into a character in Little Mermaid. It would be a grave injustice, They don’t like the press.

They’re lovely just as they are, in their shy beauty. Colorful, vibrant. Content to stay in one place and ingest new nutrients. They stay perched and open and lovely until their space is invaded, and then a quick poke sends them into contraction and protection.

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When the Outside Messes with the Inside

September 13, 2010 Confusion to Clarity

I was just so proud of myself a month or two ago. I was fairly convinced that I’d figured out the major puzzles of my life. Or at least one major puzzle, the tendency to put stuff in my mouth when I wasn’t hungry.
I honestly believed that attending Geneen Roth’s residential retreat and living the Women Food & God Way had brought such a bolt of enlightenment that I would never eat compulsively again.
That was before I started moving everything out of half of my house for a long-anticipated remodel. Before I began traveling and celebrating the freedom of summer. Before I started working on a book project, or at least before I experienced my favorite procrastination technique.

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Returning Home to My Wise Body

September 9, 2010 Radical Kindness

I just spent more than a week at the Oregon coast, a place I usually feel instantly at home. Being on the ocean simply returns me to source. It’s a short cut for me.

So when I decided to go there to get started on a book I’ve been wanting to write, I expected a vacation. It was a vacation, all right. I vacated my body and moved right into my head. The mental work of framing my ideas and beginning such a large project had me set up housekeeping in the world of the mind, which happens to be what I was writing about. I got a good start on the book, but I’ve had a series of headaches from the mental strain. Not an accident, I think.

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