Aging with Grace

This is the prayer we used to close my woman’s circle for the past 11 years. I had learned from the Sufis, but it was  written by Marina Widerhehr. Last week was the group’s last circle.  We shared  “popcorn shapshots,” images of the precious and not-so-precious moments that have united us: the weddings, funerals, illnesses.  The laughter and tears.

Since then I’ve noticed my own popcorn images: photos of me in the full bloom of my twenties and thirties.  In the radiance of my forties and fifties. I noticed that only when I look at the snapshots from this distance am I able to  see the beauty that I was. When I was younger my mind was way to full of the mosquito beliefs brought to me by my inner spin doctor.  You’re too fat.  Your eyes are too close together.  Teeth too big. In a nutshell, There’s something wrong with me.

The unique joy of  this time of life is that my physical evaluation seems less important. Once I go down that slippery slide it’s a big plop that ends with major donations to cosmetic firms or plastic surgeons. There’s another, more efficient choice.  I can look in the mirror and catch the spin doctor at work.  When I see I have a choice whether or not to believe it,  I can catch the mosquitoes before they hatch.  I can see the beliefs as what they are:well-rehearsed mental loops that have no substance in reality.  Because I have now have ample evidence that there’s a whole lot RIGHT about me.

It takes determination to stay with the truth of my own beauty.  But when I do, I thrive.

And sometimes I need a little help.  That’s when I’m glad I remembered the prayer. God help me remember when I forget it.

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I’m reminded this morning of one of Byron Katie’s oft-repeated phrases:

“Personalities don’t love. They want something.”

I’ve been looking at my need for approval and appreciation this month, and this is the refrain that keeps showing up in my mind. When mind is quiet, I’m just simple and present. There’s a space for love to show up, and I love sharing that.
When my “personality” (my social self) runs the show, I do want something. I want others to do what I want them to do so that I can have what I want. Often I just want everyone to be happy and then I’ll be able to have peace. So I go into their business and try to figure out what they want. I try to please, to charm, to manipulate. All in the name of peace.
Reality is that I can find that peace without them when I’m not believing I need them for anything, even to like, approve or appreciate me. And what I notice is that “they” like to be around this one. The one that doesn’t want.

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Always We Begin Again

March 1, 2010Aging with Grace

These are the opening words from the Rule of St. Benedict. I’m not a Catholic, but I owe so much peace and clarity to my training in spiritual direction with the sisters of a nearby monastery. These words continue to remind me, each morning, of possibility.
Especially when I’ve fallen off the wagon filled with my best intentions the night before. It hardly matters what I did, but let’s just say I let myself down when I unconsciously ate half a bag of chips at midnight. In the past this kind of thing has given me enough proof of hopelessness to pull me off the wagon for good, a rebellious child running wildly amok, with no regard for the future.

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How a Long Marriage is Like the Grand Canyon

September 12, 2009Aging with Grace
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As of this week, I’ve been married forty years to the same person.  Okay. Not the same person.  He’s changed.  I’ve changed.  And it’s not the same marriage.  It’s changed and we’ve changed. In many ways, it’s been more like a series of two or three marriages,. When new friends ask what wisdom we have [...]

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Octogenarian Observations

August 13, 2009Aging with Grace

This week I’m leading a service to celebrate the life of a dear friend and an inspiration, Connie Foulke.  An ardent teacher, parent, and community leader, Connie was one of my reference points for how to live a good life for over thirty years.  A while ago she organized a group of “young friends” (most [...]

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Little Questions, Big Trees, and Me

June 26, 2009Aging with Grace
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I just returned from a three day event at Breitenbush Retreat Center in the old growth forest of the Oregon Cascade mountains. There we all were, almost thirty of us,  with some big questions, some big trees, and ourselves. Because we weren’t able to access our cell phones, Internet, or ordinary life stories, there was [...]

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Grandmother Snag

June 3, 2009Aging with Grace
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It’s Memorial Day, and instead of visiting the graves of my human ancestors, I’m sitting in the Oregon old growth forest at my favorite altar in the world, above a noisily  burbling stream.  From this spot, if I peek through the hemlocks and cedars just in front of me, there’s a snag, the part of [...]

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Radical Service: Uprooting

January 19, 2009Aging with Grace
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As I move into this year of Radical Kindness, I’ve been thinking about roots.  It turns out the origin, or “root” word for radical is “root.”  Gotta love it!  So I’ve been working with images of watering my own roots and engaging my clients in noticing when they’re nurturing their own roots so that they [...]

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Resolving Radical Kindness

January 12, 2009Aging with Grace

The new year has already offered ample opportunity to visit familiar terrain with new eyes. I love what I learn when I keep my resolutions and what I learn when I don’t.  Over time I’ve noticed that I learn more from what my mind calls failure than from what it calls success.

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My Economic Meltup

November 17, 2008Aging with Grace
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“Economic melt down.” The words have been reverberating for more than a month now.  When it all began, I went right back to the amusement park in my mind, but I ended up taking the Roller Coaster from Hell. Come to find out, I wasn’t alone there. “The mind is a place unto itself. It [...]

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The Big Zero and My Aging Brain

July 9, 2008Aging with Grace
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What’s the big deal about approaching another decade?  Six-Oh. Six-Oh. Six-Oh. A few months away now, but increasingly the numbers echo in my brain.  Why does the simple zero at the end of a number give it so much power, especially when it’s applied to age? In fifth grade, I learned that a zero was [...]

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Who Would We Be Without Our Stories? (or How I Found Inquiry)

April 15, 2008Aging with Grace
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I love stories. I was an English teacher for twenty-five years; I taught mythology, where my first lecture always defined human as meaning-making animals. How did they make meaning? Through the stories they told each other about themselves and their world. Throughout my career I encouraged teens to read stories to each other, to themselves [...]

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