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Approval

Acceptance or Connection?

April 27, 2010

in Approval, Creating Community, Juicy Questions, Questioning the Mind, Radical Kindness

What’s the difference between a desire for approval (a strategy for gaining acceptance) and a desire for connection? I’ve been sitting with this question during the past week.
Here are some of the what I’ve noticed, in the form of “Questions to Self.”
• Where’s my focus? A dead give away. If it’s on others, I’m usually thinking about what they expect of me. Is it on my own sense peace and well-being? It’s connection.
• Do I want something? Approval. Connection just is. It’s there all along. I just need to recognize it. I can’t get it from them.
• Who’s in charge? If I’m trying to gain their acceptance, then I have nothing to say about it. Powerless. All I can do is to guess how to get it. Connection puts me in charge of my own experience. If I’m not feeling connected, it’s my job to find out what’s in the way. Powerful.
• Whose business am I in? Wanting their approval, I’m in their business, reading what they think of me. Not possible to know. Again, my business to connect with myself.
• What’s my motive? If I’m imagining myself from their eyes, getting their admiration, I’m going for acceptance. If I’m just in the moment, I’m seeing the world through my eyes. Transparent. Authentic. Open to my experience. Joy in what just is.

I’d love for you to share your experience. Let me know what I’m missing and tell me what breaks you through to your own authentic self.  A sharing of our common experience brings us all closer to our own freedom.

Tagged as: Approval, Inquiry, Presence, Questioning the mind

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Personalities want something.

April 22, 2010

in Aging with Grace, Approval, Byron Katie's Work, Radical Kindness

I’m reminded this morning of one of Byron Katie’s oft-repeated phrases:

“Personalities don’t love. They want something.”

I’ve been looking at my need for approval and appreciation this month, and this is the refrain that keeps showing up in my mind. When mind is quiet, I’m just simple and present. There’s a space for love to show up, and I love sharing that.
When my “personality” (my social self) runs the show, I do want something. I want others to do what I want them to do so that I can have what I want. Often I just want everyone to be happy and then I’ll be able to have peace. So I go into their business and try to figure out what they want. I try to please, to charm, to manipulate. All in the name of peace.
Reality is that I can find that peace without them when I’m not believing I need them for anything, even to like, approve or appreciate me. And what I notice is that “they” like to be around this one. The one that doesn’t want.

Tagged as: Approval, Byron Katie, Presence, Questioning the mind

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The “Look Good” Religion

April 12, 2010Approval

I was raised in a traditional religion, but my family had another religion that was more powerful. I call it the Look Goods. As a principal’s daughter in the rural midwest, how I looked and whether I fit in seemed like the bottom line. I can imagine now the beliefs forming in my six-year old head. “Please approve of me,” which carried another assumption: if you did you wouldn’t leave me.”

I would belong. A powerful motivator for a first grader. What did I stand to lose if “they” didn’t approve? Everything. Security. Comfort. So what I did was become inauthentic to gain that approval. I began to do, to dress, to say what I thought would win them over. I became a false version of me.

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“Personalities don’t love…they want something” Byron Katie

April 8, 2010Approval

This week I’ve been noticing when I use my well-honed charm and persuasive personality to get something from other people. Something like approval. Appreciation. Respect. Income.

Something like love. But, I notice, it’s not love. It’s about me. When I put on my “look goods,” I’ve found, I can get the approval I think I crave. But there’s always something missing. I tend to believe, deep down inside, that they’re buying my act. And then I need to keep acting or manipulating to get more of it.

It’s an expensive addiction.

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The Cost of Dodging Disapproval

March 25, 2010Approval

I’m noticing another aspect of my approval-seeking habits. My inner Disapproval Dodger may even be more powerful than my Approval Junkie. Hard to admit.
I got started people pleasing early in life. About the same time I decided I needed their approval, I also figured out I REALLY wanted to avoid their disapproval. (What kid doesn’t?)

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